(For the personal use of the mourners, only.
Not to be distributed.)
Draft PrePublication Copy
A 12-page synopsis of
BESIDE STILL WATERS
A HANDBOOK
OF JEWISH MOURNING CUSTOMS
For Jews In Mourning,
And For Those Mourning Jews
with a checklist for those planning funerals.
©2000 Rabbi Ari Mark Cartun
A CHECKLIST FOR THOSE PLANNING A FUNERAL
1) BEFORE THE DEATH, IF POSSIBLE
A) Find out if your loved one has pre-paid funeral plan, funeral instructions, burial vs
cremation instructions (and your comfort with her/his specifications).
B) Find out your loved one's Hebrew name
C) Contact your rabbi to be there with you in the hospital/home.
D) Check out funeral homes and cemeteries (or make other arrangements for the body)
E) Discuss with all the members of the family which rabbi, which denomination of
Judaism, which congregation you intend to use.
2) AT THE TIME OF DEATH
A) Rend your clothes
B) Say: "Baruch Dayan haEmet"
C) Call a funeral home to pick up and care for the body.
D) If you have a rabbi and he/she is not there yet, call the rabbi.
Rabbi's phone numbers:_____________________________________________
3) BACK HOME
A) Cover the mirrors .
4) ARRANGING THE FUNERAL
A) Begin calling your relatives and friends, and your loved one's relatives and friends
B) Discuss with all the members of the family which rabbi, which denomination of
Judaism, which congregation you intend to use.
C) *Check out funeral homes and cemeteries (or make other arrangements for the
body), if you have not already done so.
D) Set a meeting with a rabbi to plan the funeral .
Have pictures of your loved one out so that if the rabbi did not know them
he/she can form a mental picture of them
Decide on and recruit those who will give eulogies .
Decide on and recruit pallbearers .
Decide for how long and where you will sit shiva .
E) Set a meeting with the funeral home staff to plan the funeral and burial/cremation.
Funeral home's phone number______________________________
Funeral home staff member in charge_________________________
Funeral home's address____________________________________
Directions to funeral home:
Cemetery's phone number__________________________________
Cemetery's staff member in charge___________________________
Directions to cemetery:
F) ITEMS TO DISCUSS AT THE FUNERAL HOME:
Keeping the funeral simple and dignified as per your Jewish values
Guarding (Shmiráh hr:ymiv]) and washing (Tohoráh hr:h’f;) the body:
Date, time, and location of the funeral, and burial/inurnment
Publicizing the funeral in local papers
Where do you want memorial contributions to go?
A simple, dignified, coffin .
Embalming or cosmetics?
Burying the deceased in shrouds or clothing?
Burying the deceased with other objects, such as a tallit/kittel ,
bag of earth from Israel, .
A cemetery plot or mausoleum crypt? .
A marker or headstone? .
Your transportation to the funeral: limo or private car?
(I.e.: how distraught do you think you will be?)
Arrange for these items to be at the funeral:
Kippot (yarmulkes), Kree'áh ribbons , memory book.
Arrange for these items to be at the burial:
Shovel(s) for filling in the grave, and dirt to do it with .
Copies of the Kaddish with transliteration
Maps to your home (if necessary. The funeral home can photocopy
them for you)
arrange for these items to be at your home:
Shiva candle , calendar of yahrtzeits
(make sure everyone in your family who wants one gets one)
ITEMS TO ARRANGE BEFORE THE FUNERAL:
G) Determine what to do with your children during the funeral.
H) Have someone stay at your house during the funeral (and/or alert police that you
will be at a funeral) to guard against obituary-reading robbers.
I) Ask a friend to take charge of your house/food when people return from the funeral
so you can sit down and mourn. .
J) Put a handwashing station outside your front door .
Part 1 Explaining Jewish Death And Mourning Traditions
A WHO IS A MOURNER?
Leviticus 21:2 defines the list of "kin, near to" us, for whom Jewish tradition "obligates" (expects) we will mourn and say Kaddish: parent, child, sibling (including half-brother, and half-sister), spouse. Talmudic tradition expanded this list to include step-parents, step-children, and step-siblings, as well as in-laws. However, we are permitted to observe the mourning rites for anyone, not only for the relatives listed above, and not just for Jews.
Converts, having been adopted as the children of Abraham and Sarah, are not obligated to mourn members of their birth family. This made much more sense in the days when converts were deemed traitors, and when the very act of conversion had the effect of cutting oneself off from one's birth community. However, most people who convert to Judaism remain close with their birth relatives. In those cases where there is no emotional conflict, converts should feel "as obligated," and certainly free of restrictions, to mourn however they feel appropriate and comfortable.
When A Jew Is The Primary Mourner For A Non-Jewish Relative, the proper principle to remember is that one should be memorialized in a way consonant with the way they lived. Whatever religion they were when they died is the religious rite by which they should be buried. You are not expected to make obeisance to their beliefs, nor to particpate in any of the explicitly religious acts (e.g.: a requiem mass) that would violate your beliefs, nor are you obligated to opt for a cremation when burial is also an option. May you introduce Kaddish to the ceremony? Yes. May you sit shiva? Yes, especially if your and your loved one's home are in the same city where you have a Jewish context.
Is a Jewish funeral appropriate for a someone who was not him/herself a Jew, but, nonetheless, may well have been "more a Jew than anything else, and an active member of your synagogue? It depends on the rabbi, the denomination, and the congregation. Some changes will be made, and less Hebrtew willusually be used.
Is there necessary official Mourning For Stillborn Infants And Those Who Died Younger Than 30 Days Old? Most rabbis encourage the desires of those people who wish to name, circumcise, bury, say Kaddish, and generally mourn the death of their baby.
"Funerals are for the living." They are necessary for us to be able to grieve in a public way. With or without a body, we can conduct a funeral.
When Mourners Cannot Attend Funerals: you can start sitting shiva where you are from the time you hear of the death, just as the case with someone who receives delayed news. But, if at all humanly possible, get yourself to the funeral. You will be missed, and people will remember, and you will impede your grieving.
Can We Do We Do Funerals For Suicides? Most rabbis treat suicides as cases of insanity caused by depression, and observe all mourning and burial rites.
A Koheín, (a descendant of the Jewish priesthood), is forbidden to come in contact with the defilement to his purity caused by human corpses (Leviticus 21) except for the following seven categories of relatives: wife, father, mother, son, daughter, brother, and unmarried sister, in order to arrange for, assist in, and attend the burial. Because they are sanctified people, Kohaneém (the plural of Koheín) do not enter cemeteries or attend funerals where the body is present (even in a coffin), except for the funerals of those listed above. Reform, Reconstructionist, and many Conservative Jews no longer observe these prohibitions.
B THE FOUR PERIODS OF MOURNING
Judaism provides a graduated way of reentry into society after the death of a relative. In short, there are four periods of mourning. In each of these periods the mourners come back a little further into society, as the news about their loss spreads, and their ability to cope increases.
Aninut "Affliction:" from the death to the burial
Shiva the week ("seven" days) after the burial
Shloshim the month ("thirty" days) from the burial
Sh'nat Avelut The rest of the "year of mourning" for a parent
For a parent, a person is considered to be a mourner for a year. For anyone else, the "official" mourning period lasts thirty days.
When Jewish Festivals Interrupt Mourning: Traditionally it was not permitted to mourn on a holy day, neither Shabbat nor Festival—"official" Shiva visits were discouraged, so as not to ruin the Festival for the rest of the community.
If mourning has been observed for at least one hour before a Festival, Shiva is ended by that Festival. When Shiva is completed before a Festival, Shloshim ends when the Festival begins. When Shiva is completed before Rosh haShanah, Shloshim ends when Yom Kippur begins. When Shiva ends before Yom Kippur, Shloshim ends with Sukkot.
If burial took place during hol hamo'ed (the intermediate days of Passover or of Sukkot), Shiva begins after the last day of the Festival, which counts as one of the days of Shiva and of Shloshim.
If one does not learn of a relative's death immediately, but within thirty days after the funeral, we do Kree'áh (tearing one's clothes in grief; see below) and Shiva and Shloshim begin at once. If one learns of a relative's death more than thirty days after the funeral, neither Shiva nor Shloshim is observed. one does not observe Shiva or Shloshim when hearing of a parent's death more than thirty days after the fact, but mourning practices of the full year apply until twelve months after the day of burial.
What if one's own wedding was scheduled for the time of mourning a parent? Should you go ahead with it? Do not be afraid to stick by your instincts. Do not let your fiancée talk you out of or into something you feel you cannot live with, because it may not only come back to haunt you, but also to haunt your marriage.
If you decide to go ahead with your wedding reception:
Many eliminated the band and the dancing. Others danced. Most eliminated the other hilarities and roasts that sometimes attend a wedding party.
If you decide not to go ahead with your wedding reception:
You can, as soon as you are up to it, have a small ceremony in a rabbi's study (or with a Justice of the Peace if you wish to save all the Jewish rituals for a later time) and be married before you have the big reception.
What about the convenanting (Brit) of ones own child? The eighth day of covenanting overrides everything except for the need to delay a circumcision if there would be danger to the life of the infant himself.
What about a PRE-planned vacation? Those who have gone with close loving family members found it was a good time to be with each other; a sort of post-shiva shiva. Those who have gone into a situation where "no one was on their wavelength" most frequently found themselves feeling isolated, moody, and like they had made a big mistake.
C WHAT HAPPENS TO THE BODY
The consensus of rabbinic rulings during the past several centuries has strongly prohibited routine post-mortem examinations as a desecration of the "image of G0d." However, allowances have been made if there was a reasonable prospect that it would contribute to saving the life of another patient at hand. It was thus permitted in cases of hereditary diseases, to safeguard the life of surviving relations, and where required by the civil law of the land (because of suspicion of murder, unattended death, etc.).
The dead are not to be put on display for viewing, either before or during the funeral. Our people have always thought that without the animating soul the body is no longer the person, and that it is improper to dwell on this sight as our last memory of the person. The coffin, therefore, is not open at the funeral, nor is there any pre-viewing.
Mummification and embalming were forbidden as not only unnecessary, but as a form of idolatry. Embalming is permitted when burial must be delayed, as, for example, when the body is shipped a long distance, or if a person dies at sea and the delay is intended to prevent the usual burial at sea.
Inasmuch as Jews do not view the body in a Jewish funeral, applying cosmetics to the dead is as improper and unnecessary as dressing the dead in fancy burial clothes, and is as wasteful as providing a fancy coffin.
Burial Societies (Hevrah Kadishah "Holy Congregation") guard the body(Shmiráh), wash the body (Tohoráh).and prepare bodies for burial.
"Burial Or Cremation?" is often a difficult, emotional, and contentious issue. Therefore, please read the extended discussion on these topics in the rest of the book:
The Mitzvah of Burial, Cremation Pro And Con, When Your Loved One Wants To Be Cremated But You Are Against It, and When A Family Argues Over Cremating A Loved One.
Jewish Cemeteries are "consecrated ground," usually designated as a resting space solely for Jewish deceased. But there are sometimes Jewish areas in secular cemeteries that are closer to where the family actually lives now. And some families are religiously divided but wish to be buried together.
This is an issue for all the members of the family to agree on. Will the members of the extended family take it as an affront if their relative is buried in a non-Jewish cemetery? Do you have feelings about the nature of "consecrated ground?" And who is most likely to visit the grave?
Liberal Judaism permits non-Jewish members of Jewish families to be interred in Jewish cemeteries or mausoleums, provided that non-Jewish services are not recited and non-Jewish symbols are not displayed. Non-denominational Jewish cemeteries often permit the non-Jewish spouse of a Jew to be buried in a Jewish cemetery if they are buried next to their spouse.
Burial In A Mausoleum: Burial is often not considered to be burial if it is above ground. The principle of Jewish law that permits mausolea is the widespread Biblical and Talmudic precedent to bury in caves. Traditionally-permitted mausolea, however, must be underground. Unfortunately, most mausolea build up, which is cheaper than excavating to build underground. Liberal Jews consider any mausoleum to be appropriate form of burial, whether it is above or below ground level, on the principle that it is still a way of returning the deceased "to dust and ashes" through the natural decomposition of the body.
Part 2 Preparations Before A Death
B PREPARATION FOR ONE'S OWN DEATH
Does Preparing In Advance Of A Death Weaken Your Or Your Loved One's Chances Of Survival? (That is, should you even be reading this book while there is still hope?) (See page X for an extended discussion of this topic.)
As we lay dying, it is natural for us to try to "get our house in order." Our people have developed a prayer to say as we approach death which addresses the feeling that we have gotten away with quite a bit for which we should have been punished, or that we were lucky while the person standing right next to us suffered the bad luck.
In it's briefest form, the confession is "May my death be an atonement for my uncompensated sins," followed by the Shma, as whatever the person wishes to add.
If the person is too ill to talk or read, a family member can say it for them.
The custom of changing a critically ill person's name or of adding an extra name (such as Chayim, or "Life") are attempts to "fool the angel of death" as if it were a mindless bureaucrat. This belief is discouraged by most rabbis of every denomination, both because these customs are of superstitious origin, and because they do not help patient or family to face the reality of the situation.
When we make out our Living Will with instructions concerning our medical treatment in the event that we are incapable of communicating our desires to the medical staff, we should also write up a paragraph about what we care about in terms of a funeral.
Avoid thinking that "do what you want" or "don't do anything for me" are helpful or comforting directives. They are an invitation for controversy and discord among our survivors. If we are worried about the expense to them, then we should say "do the cheapest thing possible." If we are truly concerned about the cost of a funeral and burial upon our survivors, we can pre-pay for it. If you are about to purchase a cemetery plot, check to see what the policy is about returning it if you move.
It is a mitzvah to prepare a will for the disposition of your material goods. It is also a mitzvah to prepare an ethical will for the moral edification of the family, particularly the children. But if you do not wish to think of it as a mitzvah, and are not worried about your children arguing over your possessions, then think of it an ethical will as an heirloom of spiritual values.
It is a mitzvah to save a life and a mitzvah to heal the sick. According to Jewish tradition, pikuach nefesh—the saving of life—takes precedence over minor mitzvot. Though Jews consider the human body to be an "image of G0d," nonetheless, most (but not all) Jewish legal decisors not only permit but encourage organ donation for the purpose of transplantation in order to save a life or to heal a deficiency.
B PREPARATION FOR A LOVED ONE'S DEATH
The most important thing we can do when preparing for a loved one's death, besides helping them complete all the things they wish to complete for themselves (such as those items on the list above) is to say all the loving things we can while we still can.
Judaism forbids active euthanasia, the hastening of death, as "murder" or as "suicide." However, many of the classic texts of Judaism assert with equal authority that neither should one hinder the departure of the soul (that is, to prolong an agonizing irreversible dying process, most often done today by putting someone on a "'respirator" that keeps a brain-dead body alive indefinitely). "Heroic measures" to keep a person alive through artificial systems of life support are, therefore, not required. "
As termination of life support is always a wrenching experience, especially when not all of the family members are in agreement, it can be helpful for the family to consult with a rabbi.
Our people have always understood and validated prayer for the relief of suffering, asking G0d to take the sufferer's soul that they be in peace. This is not considered to be euthanasia, for the action still remains "in G0d's hands."
Part 3 From The Moment Of Death Through The Funeral
WHAT TO DO AT THE MOMENT OF DEATH
Rend One's Clothes (Kree'áh h[;yrIq]) Kree'áh, a tear made in the mourner's clothing immediately upon hearing of a death or on a special ribbon to be attached to the clothing just before the funeral, is an external symbol of inner grief and mourning as if a tear has been made in the heart. Kree'áh ribbons are for those who do not wish to tear their clothes, or who wish to change their clothes during the week yet still wear the sing of mourning. These black ribbons are attached by a pin to whatever we are wearing. They are usually given out at the funeral if the family have not already gotten hold of them.
If one learns of a relative's death within thirty days after the fact, Kree'áh is required/customary. Kree'áh is always appropriate whenever one learns of a parent's death, regardless of the length of time that has elapsed since the day of death.
Here is the blessing to say before doing Kree'áh:
Barúch Atáh Adonái Elohéynu Mélech haOlám, Dayán haEmét.
Blessed YOU, Adonai our G0d, Ruler of the universe, the True Judge.
One need not rend/tear one's clothes to say this. It is the appropriate thing to say whenever one hears of a death. The abbreviated way to say this is, simply:
Barúch Dayán haEmét.
Blessed be the True Judge.
If your loved one has died the afternoon before Passover and the rabbi is unavailable, or it was just before a three-day national holiday and you need autopsy reports released or a social service agency to approve a funeral benefit to be able to make the arrangement with the mortuary, all you can do is wait for the first post-holiday day to take care of things. You are doing the best you can, and you need not feel any guilt for the way the world is moving on without taking notice of your special needs.
Between death and burial the mourner is known as an oneín. The most important duty of an onen is arranging for the funeral and burial. In recognition of this and of the mourner's state of mind at this time, the onen is exempted from fulfilling all other religious duties
.
While one may want to offer an onen assistance in making funeral arrangements, it is best for casual friends not to visit the onen during this time unless asked.
This is the time to meet with the rabbi to plan the funeral. Usually the rabbi will wish to meet with as many family members and friends as possible, all at the same time. At this meeting the rabbi will explain the service, and explain or explore any unique funeral requirements generated by the circumstances or by the family's requests, or those generated where the deceased left unusual instructions. Those who wish to speak at the funeral are made known to the rabbi. Additionally, the rabbi will gather information from the assembled individuals in order to prepare her/his eulogy.
The rabbi will also ask you for the Hebrew name of your loved one to use in the funeral service. There are various places where Hebrew names are used in the funeral, but the rabbi can help you make do without them if your loved one had no Hebrew name, or if no one knows what it was.
When making arrangements with the rabbi, be sure to mention anything "out of the ordinary" about your situation or requirements, so that you are not left in the lurch at the last minute if the rabbi finds out about these things during your conversation in your home.
Here are some of the things you should clarify:
a) Where and when you expect the funeral and burial to be.
b) Will the rabbi officiate at the funeral if
the deceased was not a Jew?
the deceased was a suicide?
if there is to be a cremation?
if you demand G0d not be mentioned?
If, during the process of planning the funeral you find the presence of the rabbi to be unhelpful, disturbing, or offensive because of the inappropriate ritual demands he/she is making on you, or because of her/his insensitivity to you and your family's grief (e.g.: by acting like a bureaucrat, or by sleepwalking through the motions for the money), then it may be better to do without their services.
If you fire a rabbi, there are two consequences:
a) You are now on your own in terms of organizing the service, unless you can find someone else, or another rabbi, to do so.
b) If you just fired the rabbi of the congregation you belong to, then you have more issues to deal with, such as your continued membership, your children's education and peer group for developing their Jewish identity, etc.
Covering the mirrors of one's house is designed to dissuade us from preening our bodies while the body of our loved one lays beyond the capability of preening, as well as to give us the psychological benefits of not having to look at how horrible we look during mourning. Additionally, for children of deceased parents, seeing our parent in our face can be unnerving. For all these reasons, even the most liberal of rabbis highly endorse this custom.
Meeting With The Funeral Home Staff: By and large, funeral home/mortuary staff are sensitive people, professionals at helping grieving, shocked, confused people feel at ease with making queasy choices. They offer you a full range of services to help you handle the logistics of this difficult time. They are there to help you, if you know what it is that you want, and they are there to offer you the typical range of services that most similar people in your area and in your ethnic group/religion ask for. But they have a vested interest in selling you everything they can. So, just because they mention that "most people are using such and such a service" is no reason for you to do it—unless you actually want it.
Use the checklist at the beginning of this book to put your thoughts in order before you show up for your meeting.
When choosing the casket, our tradition, as mentioned earlier, chose to emphasize that the simplest way of burial is the best. If the idea was to promote dignity by not overspending on funerals, then the cheapest dignified coffins should be preferred. The cheapest are the pressboard coffins covered with a cloth to keep from looking so cheap.
Shrouds are the democratic dress of the Jewish deceased. Shrouds are plain muslin garments sewn without seams by righteous post-menopausal women. They consist of a pair of pants that cover the feet, a shirt that covers the hands, and a cap that extends down past the chin, shrouding (covering) the face (hence the English word: shrouds).
But shrouds are another expense. If we dress the dead in their own clothes, it is one less thing to purchase, and one less expense to incur.
In addition to shrouds, it has become a tradition to bury someone in her/his own tallit or kittel (a robe worn at one's wedding, and on the High Holy Days and Pesach). To some this symbolizes how pious and Jewish the person was when alive. It also evokes, for some, the possibility of better treatment at Judgment Day (the same as the custom of burying with a bag of earth from the Land of Israel. See below.). If this will not lead to excesses or denial of the reality of death, and if this will not lead to tallitot being purchased expressly for burial, then this tradition can be meaningful. More meaningful, however, is passing on the tallit/kittel to a living family member as an heirloom. Even a ratty tallit makes a good dress-up item for Jewish boys and girls to learn in.
Two beliefs concerning the afterlife have prompted putting a bag of earth from the Land of Israel in the coffin with the deceased. The first is that the Land of Israel is an atoning entity in itself, and will help plead the case of the deceased before the heavenly court. The second belief is that when the Divine Judgment Day comes, our remains will tunnel underground toward Israel where we will be resurrected, and that this little bag of earth from Israel will act as a guide "homeward."
Neither of these interpretations is meaningful to the majority of modern Jews. What may be meaningful, however, is the thought that the first earth in which we are buried is the earth out of which we sprang as a people.
E THE FUNERAL (Levayah hy:w:l])
Funerals have many psychological benefits. First, they allow word of the death to disseminate and many people to acknowledge that they have heard it. This means that as the months go by the mourners can assume that they will run into fewer and fewer people who haven't gotten the news, so they will not have to go through the whole story over and over.
Second, funerals let many people grieve, not just the immediate family. No one really knows all the people our loved ones touched in their lives, nor how deeply. Surprises frequently happen.
Third, the rituals can have a cathartic effect, when done well, and can facilitate the grieving process. Nothing confronts one with the reality of death like a funeral.
If a parent demands that the children not provide a funeral or recite Kaddish, this is not to be obeyed. "Funerals are for the living." They are necessary for us to be able to grieve in a public way. I have watched too many people be hurt and confused by complying with the misguided requests of parents who forbade them to hold a funeral for them. On the other hand, it is any person's right not to have to be memorialized in a way that would have been abhorrent to them in their lifetime.
Often in today's families we find that the deceased is being mourned by members of two (or more) religions. Is it permissible, for example, to conduct a primarily Jewish service for a non-Jewish spouse or child or parent of a Jew? Can a rabbi co-officiate with the clergy of another religion? How do we take the sensitivities and dissonant religious demands of various survivors into account?
The answers depend on the individual we are mourning, and how consonant with her/his life the planned ceremony will be. Nothing should be done that will mock the good principles they lived by, and it is just plain wrong, not to mention embarrassingly bad form, to hijack them in death for a religion they did not espouse in life.
Many rabbis will co-officiate with non-Jewish clergy so that the Jews in the room can mourn in their way, and the non-Jew in theirs. "Funerals are for the living," and those Jews who need to mourn need to say Kaddish.
When going to a funeral, many people preen and dress as if they are supposed to look good. Then they worry if they are "coping well." They pay too much attention to what others think of them, and not to what they need to be doing.
It is not important to "cope well." It is important to grieve, however that takes its course. Putting on a strong face is neither expected nor desirable. Grieving, at the time when everyone understands, is the best thing.
Rabbis are no more empowered than any Jew to conduct any service. Anyone who feels up to the task educationally and emotionally may do so. Those who wish to learn how can find the services in Rabbi's Manuals, which can be purchased from Jewish bookstores, or borrowed from their congregational library or rabbi.
If no one at the service is familiar with Hebrew, then none of the service needs to be done in Hebrew. The Kaddish, which is in Aramaic, is the prayer most people expect to be done in a Hebrew-sounding language. After that, some people expect the Eil Malei Rachameem to be in Hebrew. Besides those two prayers, there are few other expectations, except among traditional people and Hebrew speakers, that there will be anything in Hebrew.
Usually the immediate family is too overwhelmed with grief to be able to read or talk at a funeral. When they wish to attempt to do this, they should have a backup in case they find themselves, at the last minute, unable to carry it out. A copy of what they wished to read can be given to the rabbi or someone else as a fail-safe.
Sometimes people request so-called "Quaker-style" ceremonies where anyone can speak. Though many of these spontaneous tributes can be moving, most ramble on and on, because the speaker has not had time to collect and organize her/his thoughts.
When you are preparing a eulogy, the best things to say are stories of the person's life and statements of how you will miss them. Many inexperienced laypeople and clergy try to offer words of understanding—that is, they sermonize about life and death. A funeral is not the time to philosophize at a mourner.
A memorial service is not a party, and mourners are under no obligation to be hosts under any circumstances, whether or not you are inviting people back to your home.
Since children have a need to mourn just as we do, they should be included at family funerals if at all possible. Children's questions about death, funeral, and burial should be answered, and they should be helped in every way to accept the reality of death. The funeral will help them do this. Barring them from the funeral may only serve to mystify it more and create scary fantasies as to what really happened.
Very young children may, however, interfere with some parents ability to mourn inasmuch as they may require constant attention. General advice: if it comes down to you missing the funeral of your parent because you may have to take a crying child out of the hall, get a baby-sitter for the child.
It is part of the Levayah/funeral to "accompany" the deceased to the grave. Accordingly, it is an honor to carry the coffin to the grave. Members of the family and friends serve as pallbearers, carrying and escorting the coffin to the hearse after the funeral service and to the grave at the cemetery. Those who are not physically fit for the task can, nonetheless, walk alongside the coffin as if they were carrying it, as long as there are enough (usually six to eight) to actually carry it.
What to wear? In general it is best not to wear clothes that call more attention to oneself than to the deceased. It is not necessary for Jews to wear black, but it is not recommended to wear all-white, or exceptionally colorful clothes either. If the only thing you have that is black is otherwise inappropriate to wear among people who are grieving, then wear something else.
If you are going to be going to the burial, avoid spike heels, as they have a tendency to sink into the soft, well-watered earth above graves.
Cut flowers at a funeral are a Jewish symbol of death (inasmuch as the flowers are soon to die), and are neither brought nor displayed. Living plants are preferred over cut flowers, but as they require tending, are not recommended for people in mourning unless one really knows the mourner would want one.
F THE BURIAL ITSELF
Quite often in midwinter in the northern latitudes there are instances where the ground is so frozen that no burial can occur until later. In such cases there is no option but to keep the body in storage until the ground thaws sufficiently. This is permitted, yet it is still unsettling for the family of the deceased.
The tradition if this happens is to conduct the funeral in as timely a fashion as possible, and to end with the Kaddish as if it were a burial. Then, when the body can be buried, a burial ceremony is held, just like the one that would have been held on the day of the funeral.
Cemetery workers on strike is treated like frozen ground.
Saying Kaddish: If the funeral occurred inside (in a chapel, etc.) then the service frequently ends with Eil Malei Rachameem, and not Kaddish, for Kaddish is usually said after the burial or entombment. If there will not be a burial or entombment, then the Mourner's Kaddish is said at the end of the funeral or memorial service, or after scattering the ashes of the deceased.
Kaddish is a prayer that originally referred to a brief prayer and response recited at the close of Rabbinic lessons in the ancient house of study. The Kaddish emphasizes hallowing and praising G0d though it is beyond the possibilities of finite speech to talk about an infinite G0d.
The Kaddish is said standing by the mourners. In most services everyone stands for the Kaddish, even those who do not say the Kaddish (not considering themselves to be official mourners).
A mourner first recites Kaddish at the cemetery after burial. Mourner's Kaddish is recited for a parent for eleven months. For others, 30 days. In a leap year, the Hebrew months of First Adar and Second Adar are counted as two separate months. Mourner's Kaddish is also recited on each anniversary of the death (Yahrtzeit/Yom haShanah), and at Yizkor (Memorial) Services on Yom Kippur and the last days of Sukkot, Pesach and Shavuot.
Originally Kaddish was recited for twelve months, since it was maintained that the memory of the dead remains fresh for twelve months. However, since twelve months was also regarded as the maximum period of punishment for the wicked in the heavenly courts, a mourner's saying of Kaddish for twelve months might be interpreted as implying that he felt his parent deserved the maximum penalty. As a result, the period was reduced to eleven months, even in a Jewish leap year (which is thriteen months long).
The custom of saying Kaddish for eleven months for a parent is still the norm, even among Jews who do not share this view of the afterlife.
In Jewish tradition, Kaddish is one of the prayers which is only said in a "public assembly," which is defined as at least a quorum of ten Jewish adults (a "minyan"). Traditional services only recognize men as able to constitute a minyan. Liberal services recognize all Jews above the age of Bar/t Mitzvah. Traditional services will not include a Kaddish if there is no minyan, under the principle that "one cannot do a mitzvah by doing a sin." That is, if a thing cannot be done correctly, it should not be done at all.
As Kaddish imparts a sense of closure, of having done the right thing, no matter what the theology it expresses and no matter when or why it is done, Liberal Jews will usually say Kaddish without a minyan, under the principle that "if something is important, it is better to do something in a non-traditional way than not to do it at all."
Can We Say Kaddish Without Being An "Official" Mourner?
No. There is a superstition in traditional contexts that if you are saying Kaddish while your parents are alive then you wish them to be dead. Be aware of this in a traditional context.
Yes. Anyone can say Kaddish for anyone, even a non-Jew. Additionally, many liberal congregations have institutionalized the saying of Kaddish by everyone present, on the theory that there are so many for whom there is no one to remember them.
Traditional Judaism does not recognize women as being able to constitute part of a minyan. Nor are they expected, and sometimes not even permitted, to say Kaddish. When liberal women try to say Kaddish in a traditional service, they may end up bewildered and angry at not being taken seriously as they try to memorialize their own relative. In general, women should feel empowered to ignore the situation around them and say the Kaddish (as well any other prayers they should choose) silently to themselves. Saying it out loud may only cause some traditional men to yell at them, and unless they want to cause a confrontation, that is the last thing they need at such a time of grief.
There is a tradition for the immediate family to walk through two lines of mourners to the graveside. Along the way they are greeted with the phrase:
haMakom yinachem ot'cha (for a male) otach (for a female) et'chem (for many people at once) b'toch sh'ar avley tzion virushalayim.
"May the Omnipresent One comfort you among the rest of the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
(The word "Omnipresent" is used instead of "G0d," lest an anguished mourner be tempted into blasphemy.) This phrase is frequently reduced to its first three words:
haMakom yinachem ot'cha .
It is customary not to greet mourners with the word "Shalom" (Peace), for they are not at peace at this tragic time, and it only mocks their grief. This is why no other greetings are necessary, and why the mourner is not required to return a greeting.
When walking through a cemetery, it is customary not to step on graves as a shortcut. When gathered around a grave for the burial, however, it may not be possible for the many mourners to avoid this.
Many non-Jewish cemeteries are not used to funerals where the coffin is actually lowered into the grave while the mourners are present. But Jewish funerals are not considered over until the deceased has been buried. Not every tradition does this, though. If you are working with a rabbi, he/she will ensure that the coffin will be lowered by the end of the ceremony. If not, you may have to specially request of the mortuarian/cemetery staff that the coffin be lowered while the mourners are present.
Jewish tradition prescribes that the family of the deceased remain at the graveside for the lowering of the coffin and the refilling of the grave. In cases where the family chooses not to remain through the completion of the burial, a representative of the family should remain until the coffin is covered with earth. It is good when those present assist in the filling of the grave, a last act for the one they loved.
This is one of the most cathartic acts one can do. It is, literally, the last thing one can do for the body of a loved one. Though many are squeamish at the thought, they can and do participate in this act, and having done so, are glad that they did.
When filling the grave, it is customary not to hand the shovel to the next mourner, but to replace it in the soil. This makes each person's act a complete act of picking up the shovel, shoveling, and replacing the shovel.
Because the human dead defile the body, it became customary to rinse the hands when leaving the cemetery. Further, it is also customary to rinse the hands before entering the home upon returning from the cemetery.
Part 4 The Mourning Period
Shiva refers to the “seven” days of intense mourning following the burial, during which time mourners sit at home and are visited by relatives and friends. We read in the Bible that one is defiled from contact with a dead human body for seven days (Numbers 19:16), and this became the time of seclusion ever since, when, except in the rarest of incidences, mourners did not leave their home (lest they transmit the death-defilement). In older days and still in traditional homes and in the homes of those who find this custom meaningful, mourners sit on low stools or on the floor. (Exceptions were made for pregnant women and others for whom this might cause difficulties.) Hence the name, “sitting shiva.”
A death in the family can be a time of great sharing, of telling each other how much we love them, of getting close again to siblings and cousins, as well as to the surviving parent, especially for those who live far apart.
The day of the burial counts as the first day of Shiva. Shiva ends on the morning of the seventh day, after one hour. On Friday (unless it is the seventh day of Shiva) or on the day before a Festival, Shiva is traditionally observed until two and one half hours before sunset. On Pesach eve it ends at noon.
Shabbat is included in counting the seven days, though on Shabbat no outward signs of mourning apply. Even traditional mourners wear regular shoes, sit on regular chairs, and change into clothing that bears no signs of mourning. They may also attend synagogue services. However, if a mourner begins to observe mourning customs on Shabbat, Shabbat has, immediately ended for the mourner, and he/she is exempted from observing it.
Psychologically, when one is in mourning, Shabbat is just another day. The Sabbath restrictions on mourning are among the least observed customs in Judaism, and not just by the non-traditional. The exemption is there because of that.
Nowadays many people live far from their parents' home, and the Shiva they observe "back there" is not among the context that is currently more meaningful to them. They would like to be surrounded by their own friends, not just their parents (or other relative's) friends. Accordingly, many now split the time of Shiva. There are no hard and fast rules or suggestions as to how many days to spend where. Some just add a day or a memorial service in their own context. Some sit Shiva for the first three days (as per Biblical reckoning) and the last four in their own context. The situation is more difficult when, due to family disagreements over personality or religious practice, someone feels that they cannot properly observe Shiva in their parents' (relative's) home in the same city. Sitting Shiva in your own home is especially important if your relatives do not intend to sit Shiva at all but you do.
When returning from the funeral, leave a pitcher of water, a basin, and paper towels for those who wish to wash after having left the cemetery to do so before they enter your home.
Afterwards, light the seven-day (Shiva) candle. Shiva candles are lit when the mourners return home from the funeral, and burn into the seventh day thereafter. A shiva candle can burn in any house of a mourner—not just one. So, when asking the funeral home for shiva candles, make sure to ask for as many as you want. Though the standard practice is to give out only one, to the main site where shiva will be observed, there is no reason not to have more, and they are cheap, so do not worry about the cost.
When you light the candle, remember that there is no blessing for the lighting of memorial candles—neither shiva candles nor yarhtzeit lights. Put it in a prominent place—a place where, when the crowds have gone home, you can meditate on its flickering flame and think good thoughts of your loved one. But, for safety reasons, put the candle where it will not ignite other items, and where small children and pets and crowds will not knock it over.
Then let somebody else take over for you while you sit down. One should not host one's own Shiva. Our tradition has seen fit to discourage people even from saying hello, since it is usually followed by the perfunctory question, "How are you?" and the answer to that is, "I feel like Hell, don't you know?"
A mourner's first meal after returning from the cemetery is provided by friends and neighbors, who thus express their concern in a practical way. You have no obligation to feed the masses. You are in mourning, not hosting a party.
This Meal of Consolation generally includes hard boiled eggs, lentils, bagels, and other round foods symbolizing fate and the wheel of life for some and eternal life and hope for others (round things such as eggs have no beginning nor end). In ancient times the egg itself symbolized life and resurrection. Neither wine (symbol of rejoicing) nor meat (symbol of a feast, as well as the reminder of dead flesh) are traditionally served at this meal, though modern Jews are seldom aware of this, and, thus, are not bothered by it.
Mourners traditionally do not wear leather footwear, just as they do not on Yom Kippur. Leather is an ancient symbol of ease. This tradition stems from the time that the majority of our ancient ancestors could not afford leather, and wore wood or coarse cloth shoes. Leather is available to all of us nowadays, so this custom is quaint, but the point is not the same. However, wearing houseslippers indicates that you are not going anywhere, and is in the spirit of shiva, whether or not they are made of leather.
Traditionally, mourners are under the obligation to say Kaddish at every daily service during the time of mourning—morning (Shacharit), afternoon (Minchah), and evening (Ma'ariv). In order that mourners not have to go out among people they don't want to see, or deal with the random folks in the synagogue, the community brings the service to the mourner. These are called Shiva Minyans. A regular weekday service appropriate to the time of day is conducted by anyone who can. It is not expected that the mourners lead the services themselves. As with hosting, leave this to others unless there is no one else competent to lead the service.
Psychologically, a full seven-day Shiva is most useful after sudden deaths, where there is also a period of shock to live through. In a long illness, the shock has long passed. In these cases I have found that family members still need everything that a funeral and mourning have to offer, but do not necessarily need the full week of shiva. You can still take the full week of Shiva if you want it or if you need it—you are entitled to it. Many shorten it by starting their count of seven days to the time of the death instead of from the time of the funeral. Some shorten it to three days.
End shiva around noon on the seventh day after the funeral. At the end of Shiva the mourners traditionally take a short walk together, going outside to symbolize their return to life's normal routine. It is a nice custom if the weather permits, for it is a peaceful and healthy way to spend some good time with some of your loving relatives and friends.
B VISITING A HOUSE OF MOURNING
The mitzvah of comforting mourners is fulfilled by a personal visit to the house of mourning. The very fact that you have come to a house of mourning is an act of consolation. Sitting with the mourner is an act of respect and comfort. One need not be mute, but neither should one feel compelled to talk. "What do I say to a mourner?" My answer is: Walk in, and look the mourner empathetically in the eye. Hug them if that is appropriate to your relationship. If you need to say something, say how sad you are or how sorry you are that their loved one is dead. Otherwise, let the mourner initiate the conversation.
People visiting a house of mourning should not expect to be served or even offered food by any of the mourners, who then would be acting in the inappropriate role of hosts at a social gathering. If there is food, eat. If not, don't.
You have also not come there to unload everything wrong and sad in your life. Let the mourners do the talking. It is better to avoid saying the things that are in our minds when we are uneasy about what to say. Usually we will say some platitude or other, and the mourner does not need to hear more platitudes.
When speaking of the deceased, we can say :
aláv hashalom (may he rest in peace) or
aléha hashalom (may she rest in peace)
We also say "May their memory be a blessing:"
for a male: zeechronó livracháh)
for a female: zeechronáh livracháh)
C SHLOSHIM AND AFTERWARDS
Shloshim ("thirty") extends to the morning of the thirtieth day after the funeral. It is the Biblical period of official mourning.
The period from the end of Shiva to the end of Shloshim is one of transition from deep bereavement to resuming your life and its routine. Traditional mourners during this period do not wear new clothes or cut the hair, do not participate in parties, and public entertainment. A mourner may attend their family and friends' life cycle ceremonies (Brit Milah, wedding, etc.) though they should think twice about staying around for the parties. You may think you are ready for it, but you will most likely find out that you are not emotionally ready.
The best course of action when responding to these invitations is to fall back on the tradition and inform your host that you can come to the ceremony, but that as you are in Shloshim, you wll have to leave before the party. Most people with a head on their shoulders understand this.
While the formal unveiling of a tombstone is of significance to the family and friends, Jewish tradition has not emphasized it as a basic ceremony. It can be done with ceremony or without. Setting up a marker may take place at any time after the period of Shiva, but is usually done after a year, as a way of bringing together a group for support to help in facing the first anniversary of the death.
Yahrtzeit and Yom haShanah are Yiddish and Hebrew respectively for the day marking the anniversary of a death. They are usually observed on the day of death according to the Hebrew calendar. Many American Jews are not accustomed to thinking in terms of Hebrew dates, so they observe the anniversary according to the Secular Calendar.
If you are not sure of the day when a relative died, then, with your family, choose an appropriate date on which to observe Yahrtzeit each year.
It is traditional to recite the Mourner's Kaddish at as many of the three daily services on the Yahrtzeit as one can, from evening services on the night before through afternoon services on the day itself. If you cannot get to a service to say Kaddish on the day of Yahrtzeit, then do it at the evening service following the day of Yahrtzeit, or on the following Shabbat.
It is traditional to light a twenty-four hour candle on the anniversary Yahrtzeit, sunset to sunset, starting on the evening preceding the day. No blessing is said when lighting this candle. When Yahrtzeit coincides with Shabbat or a Festival eve, the Yahrtzeit candle should be lit before the candle-lighting for the day (traditionally nothing is lit on Shabbat or Festivals after the lighting of the holy candles. Even a Chanukah Menorah is lit before the Sabbath candles.) If yahrtzeit begins on the evening after a Shabbat or Festival, light the candle after sunset for the same reason. |
