HELPFUL PRACTICAL HINTS AND REASONS

FOR YOUR WEDDING/RECEPTION

Rabbi Ari Mark Cartun

© 2000

1. Ufruf

The Sabbath before your ceremony it is customary to go to a service and receive an aliyah (going up to bless God for the reading of the Torah. Aliyah is Hebrew for "going up." Ufruf is Yiddish for the same thing). Some Mizrachi communities (Persia, etc.) hold the ufruf on the Shabbat following the wedding. Local congregations are very open to this.

2. "Yom Kippur"/Mikveh/Fasting

Your wedding day is Yom Kippur for you, a day to start fresh and sinless with each other. If you pray daily, pray the Yom Kippur service. If you don't normally pray, you can still do the Shma and the confession from the Yom Kippur service.

You could also fast to make this more meaningful. Start your fast after the rehearsal dinner (or at sundown) and continue it until the ceremony. If your ceremony is at night then there is no fasting because the day of your wedding begins at sundown. It is also not customary to fast on Shabbat for a Saturday night wedding, or on Rosh Chodesh (the semi-festival of the new moon), or on a festival day.

You could both also go to mikveh, or to the ocean/bay, to "wash" away your sins and start fresh. It is a marvelously spiritual occasion., You can go separately, with your best male/female, or together. Go as close to the date of your wedding, at least one "clean" day after the woman's period as you can.

3. Sexual Separation and Consummation

In order to make the marital consummation as exciting and novel as possible, I recommend that you separate from each other at least a week before the wedding. Do not sleep or dress or shower together, and, if necessary and possible, one of you should move to a different place for that week.

In order to be minimally tired when you consummate the marriage, I recommend morning, noon, or afternoon rather than evening weddings.

4. When Not To Do The Ceremony

Schedule the ceremony as best you can not to take place during the bride's menstrual period.

Since there are legal transactions, such as witnessing, document signing, and exchange of money (rings) to effectuate the ceremony, weddings are not to take place on Sabbaths or festivals. Traditionally weddings were recommended not to take place just before a holy day lest some fraud cause the need for a court to annul the marriage right away. This problem is not one moderns worry about.

Some like to marry on Friday afternoons so that their wedding feast becomes a Shabbat dinner. But some consider it to be inappropriate to mix a Shabbat or festival theme with the wedding. (Jews traditionally avoid mixing "simchas-happy occasions," in order to more closely focus on each one.) And, in any case, rabbis are very busy just before Shabbats and festivals. Some also do not permit marriages during the intermediate days of Passover and Sukkot, for the same reason: mixing simchas.

Saturday night weddings, and those immediately following a festival holy day, should be at least an hour after sunset. You can start them with havdalah under the chuppah. Again, it might be better not to hold your wedding production at this time because all the logistical hassles and worries tend to intrude onto the holiness of the day.

Other times not to have weddings are fast days, and on or between the fast of the seventeenth of Tammuz (the 586 BCE breaching of Jerusalem's walls by the Babylonians) and the 9th/10th of Av (the Burning of the Temple in 586 BCE, and also by the Romans in 70 CE). Other only restrict ceremonies from the 1st to the 9th/10th of Av. Most Liberal rabbis officiate during these periods, but not on the fast days themselves.

Some do not allow marriages between Passover and Shavuot (the Omer period), except for on Rosh Chodesh Iyyar, Rosh Chodesh Sivan, and LaG b'Omer. Other permit weddings from LaG b'Omer to the day before Shavuot. Some do the ceremony anytime during the Omer period except Yom haShoah (Holocaust memorial day), and Yom haZikaron, (Israel's memorial day for fallen soldiers).

Another day some avoid is April 20, Hitler's birthday.

5. Place

You can often rent a synagogue (with chuppah and social hall) or use an indoor or outdoor area.

Problems with outdoors--shade (you can rent umbrella tables); heat, wind, insects, airplane or traffic noise, rain (have a contingency plan for this).

If you have a ceremony at a private home, be sure to inform or invite the neighbors. This is a neighborly thing to do in any case, but it also lets them be forewarned of the noise and traffic so that you have no competing noises during the ceremony and reception.

If you are planning a large ceremony in a private home, let the police know in case of traffic or parking problems.

6. Wedding Booklets

You may wish to write a pamphlet or sheet with information about your ceremony--what symbols and rituals you are doing, why you are doing them, and what they mean. It may also include your version of the Birkat haMazon, and any songs you would like people to sing. The ushers can hand these booklets out with the kippot as people enter.

7. Other Readings/Poems In Your Ceremony

Within reason, most anything will be acceptable. Check it out first with the rabbi and find an appropriate place to put them.

If you wish the rabbi to make any announcements please put them in writing.

8. Pictures

As far as I am concerned you can have as many pictures taken with or without flash, video/audio taped, as you want by your official photographer during the ceremony. An unobtrusive photographer is best.

My advice is to take the posed shots before the ceremony so that once the ceremony is over you can just party. In addition, photos at this time will show you at your freshest. If you are withholding seeing each other till the ceremony, then you can still take the posed shots before the ceremony that don't need you together. Or, as some have done, take the non-you shots, then take the with-you shots, and immediately as the finish have the best man and woman shoo everyone out so you can have a little pre-yichud (see # 26) to appreciate each other.

Here is a list of wedding things you might wish the photographer to shoot:

1. signing the Ketubah

2. the Ketubah itself

3. badeken (see #10)

4. walking around each other at the beginning of the ceremony

5. breaking the glass(es) at the end of the ceremony

6. making kiddush and motzi after the ceremony

7. the dancing--chair dance, krenzl putting, krenzl dance (see #28)

8. Birkat haMazon blessers (see #29)

Some rabbis consider weddings too sacred (grooms and brides "consecrate" each other in marriage) to be desanctified by photography.

I allow professional photography because weddings are such a whirl that couples need photographic memories, and Jewish law does not prohibit photography at weddings. Jewish law forbids photography on Sabbaths or holy days when weddings cannot be conducted Mostly rabbis prefer not to have photographs taken at the ceremony because the sights and sounds of photography can be distracting. Professional photographers are usually so discreet they are not distractions. But check a photographer's references!

However, avoid amateurs photographing during the ceremony. Once a man who owned the house where a wedding was occurring came up behind the chuppah during the ceremony and shoved the rabbi aside to get a better picture! I also often see guests stand up in front of other guests, or step into the aisle during the procession to get a good shot. I and the marrying couple have been blinded and distracted by paparazzi firing flashes during the ceremony.

Hire a professional! One couple hired a family friend (because he was cheaper) to shoot their ceremony. Unfortunately he had one of Kodak's original cameras, and it clicked and wound so loudly no one paid attention to the ceremony. So hire a professional and ask your friends to wait until the reception to take pictures.

9. The Chuppah

A chuppah is the "canopy" that is the most unique and recognizable symbol of Jewish weddings. We find two references to chuppahs in Psalm 19:6, which compares the rising sun to a groom's radiance as he exits his chuppah; and in Joel 2:16 where the bride is exhorted to leave her chuppah, and the groom his wedding "room" to ask Divine forgiveness and avert national disaster.

Generally those who stand under the chuppah are the bride, groom, and officiant(s) who need not be rabbis or cantors! Frequently, but by no means universally, the parents of the bride and groom stand under the fringe of the chuppah on the side next to their child. Then there are those who hold the poles of the chuppah (if it is not free-standing, and sometimes even if it is). Then, and sometimes these are parents or pole holders, there are the best man and the best woman (maid or matron of honor). Last, siblings and other friends may stand under the fringe, or fanning out from the chuppah, especially if they are reading part of the ceremony.

Though many traditional rabbis bar non-Jews from the chuppah, I allow them. Jews by choice want their supportive parents there, children of intermarriages want both parents there, Jews with a non-Jewish best man or woman want them there, too. My restrictions on the role of non-Jews at a Jewish wedding is that they should not recite blessings that sound inappropriate from a non-Jew, such as those which read "Who consecrated us with mitzvot and commanded us to . .  ." I readily agree to non-Jews reading translations of blessings, such as the one which praises God for "creating everything for God's glory." Usually non-Jews cannot read Hebrew. If they can, then I allow non-Jews reading that kind of blessing, even in Hebrew.

You can use any free standing, four-sided, flower-covered or not flower-covered decorated or undecorated canopy, or you can use the four 8' poles with cup hooks on the ends to hold a tallit or a specially made chuppah cover. You can rent a canopy from Porter Rents or Abco Rents, or a chuppah from bob & bob (650-329-9050). If you are having a wedding in a synagogue they will provide a chuppah.

You can decorate and paint chuppah poles any way you want. The chuppah top can be a tallit or any cloth with any design you like.

 10. Garb

The White Wedding Dress

For a woman, the questions usually concern white dress or not for a remarriage, and whether or not a veil. As far as I am concerned, the dress is up to you--a wedding is your fantasy, and white or non-white, fancy dress or cowgirl, it is up to you. The same goes for a veil. And it makes no difference if this is your first or fourteenth wedding.

Veils

If you do wear a veil, it is customary for the man to lift it to check whether or not you are who you are supposed to be (to see if it is Rachel and not Leah, Genesis 29:20-25). This is called "badeken." in Yiddish. It is a combination of the Hebrew word for "check" (badak) and the Yiddish word for "bedeck" (badeken"): bedecking the bride with a veil.

It is traditionally done before the ceremony, with the parents reading a blessing for their children. It is frequently done while the groom and bride receive their friends in separate rooms before the actual ceremony.

Another way to do it, with or without a veil, is for the bride and groom to stop just before they enter the chuppah, as a way of lovingly looking at each other.

Tallit/Kittel

For a man (and for some egalitarian women) it is traditional to wear a tallit or a kittel (a full garment--robe or shirt--with fringes). You can wear your kittels again on Yom Kippur, Pesach seder, and to be buried in. The connections between these "kittel times" is that they are all new beginnings, and every Yom Kippur and seder thereafter you will remember your marriage.

It is customary in some communities for the woman to give her husband a new tallit/kittel because the 32 fringes (four corner bundles of eight) spells "heart" in when the number "32" is written as Hebrew letters. If the bride will wear one, the groom could also give her a tallit/kittel.

 Kippot

Kippot are optional for you both, for your guests. If you normally wear one in religious contexts, wear one this day. You may wish to get an extra special kippah to wear, which you can thereafter wear at festivals, etc. If you offer kippot to your guests, either have the ushers give them out, or you can put them in a basket by the entry to the ceremony area. You may wish to put a sign on the basket saying that they are optional or required.

11. Wine

Use good kosher wine for the chuppah. Use white wine if you are worried about staining, red if you are not. You may have whatever wine you wish for the reception, but since the chuppah is a Jewish religious ceremony, kosher wine is the most appropriate. Decant the wine into a decanter with a lid. It is less tacky this way than pouring from a bottle. And the lid keeps bugs out. You may wish to buy an extra case of this wine to keep for your anniversaries, or to give to family or friends that helped and supported you throughout.

12. Kiddush Cups

There are two wine blessings. You may use two cups of four cups or the same kiddush cup. You may use new glasses that you can subsequently smash at the end of the ceremony, or you can inaugurate new kiddush cups for the two of your, or you can use an heirloom. Whatever you wish.

13. Glasses To Smash

Breaking glass at a wedding stems from the Talmudic story (Berachot 30b-31a) of Rabbi Mar ben Ravina at his son's wedding in Babylon who felt that the revelers had forgotten the fact that they were in exile, and took an expensive glass (worth 400 zuzim) and broke it on the ground, which immediately made everyone sad. The impetus for his action derived from the verse in Psalms (137:6) "If I forget you, Jerusalem, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; let my right hand forget [how to work], if I do not place Jerusalem above my highest joy." Thus, interpretations often made at this point are:

Our joy cannot be complete while we are in exile, or,

We should always remember the bitter with the sweet.

Traditionally, the congregation would shout, "Oh, Jerusalem!" at this point.  

Later tradition saw the evil eye or demons attending auspicious events, and so interpretations grew that:

The smashing of the glass should distract the evil eye; or

Serve as vicarious substitute for the evil fate awaiting bride and groom; or

That the shouting should drive away the demons.

Thus Jews began to shout "Mazal tov!" which means, "A good zodiac [heavenly sign]!" Later, mazal became the generic word for luck, and so today, the congregation wishes the bride and groom "Good Luck!" by yelling mazal tov.

 Other interpretations breaking the glass include:

Let this marriage last as long as it would take to put this shattered glass back together; or

Even as one step shatters the glass, one misstep of infidelity could shatter this marriage;

Or, as one modern wag put it, this might symbolize the married couple's disdain for the material objects for which they registered!

 You can both smash glasses. It is a fun and thing to do, and it releases the tension that has built up during the ceremony! Women's shoes, however, are thinner-soled than men's shoes, and one cannot use a high heel to smash the glass: you have to step with the toe. So use a long champagne flute which is easily smashed. Wrap the glasses in heavy cloth napkins and tape them securely shut! Some people keep a shard of glass and put it in a keepsake pendant. Light bulbs are also OK. They do not make more noise than a glass, however, contrary to popular opinion. The most noise is made by the crunch of stemware.

If your ceremony is on grass, you may wish to have a small board to put the glasses on so that they break more easily.

14. Rings Or No Rings, Vows

Jewish custom, not law, was to have a plain gold band without stones so that the stipulated marriage contract prices could be verified by simply weighing the amount of gold instead of subjectively appraising the stone. This was only important in an arranged marriage that was not a love match in order to avoid contractual wranglings and recriminations that might lead to annulling the marriage on the grounds of fraud.

You may legally use any kind of rings you like with or without stone, stones, or designs. You can wear them on your left hand like Americans or on your right like Israelis. For the ceremony, however, you will put the ring(s) on the right hand's forefinger while you say the vow. This is in order for the witnesses to see it more clearly. Immediately after the vow you can switch it to the correct finger.

You can also choose not to use rings by exchanging any present(s) worth at least a dime. If you exchange presents, use the word matanah, "gift", for taba'at, "ring," in the wedding vow.

The Vow that men made to women was this (accented syllables in bold type):

Harey at m'kuddeshet li b'taba'at zo k'dat Moshe v'Yisra'el

Behold, you are consecrated to me according to this ring,

according to the Law of Moses, and (the people) Israel.

Double ring ceremonies were not allowed traditionally, for, as a man could, Biblically, have many wives (e.g.: Kings David and Solomon, or the patriarchs Abraham and Jacob), he could not be consecrated to his wife. Ever since about the year 1000 Ashkenazic men have been forbidden more than one wife. This also applies in the State of Israel. So, for all intents and purposes, men today can be consecrated to their wives. The female-to-male version of the vow changes because Hebrew has gendered pronouns and verbs:

Harey ata m'kuddash li b'taba'at zo k'dat Moshe v'Yisra'el

Some women prefer not to say the same thing as the man, but, instead, end with another phrase, such as Ani l'dodi, v'dodi li: ("I am my beloved's, and he is mine" Song of Songs 6:3).  

17. Table

Just in back of the chuppah you will need a small, sturdy table to hold the wine, kiddush cups, decanter, glasses to smash, and the ketubah if it is small. Otherwise I recommend an easel to hold a large art ketubah.  

18. Best Men, Maids Of Honor, Ushers, Bridesmaids, Groomsmen

It is an honor to serve as a special person at someone's wedding, and it shows that you consider them to be special. You may have as many or as few of these as you wish. They can be the same as the witnesses, they can read things, or not. They can usher people in, or they can be honorary ushers (with no job). It is totally up to you.

 19. What Best Men/Maids Of Honor Are For

They hold your rings, and will be your aides-de-camp to make sure things ru

n smoothly. Don't be afraid to use them to get things done so you don't get too frazzled. They are there to help you enjoy yourself.

 20. Deceased Parent(s), etc.

You can still have a sibling or two, or other relatives fill in under the chuppah. You may wish to say Kaddish the day of your wedding, as it is a Yom Kippur Yizkor for you. We can have a small service, or you could just say it yourself. Some brides and grooms write a short statement to be read by them, the rabbi, or a sibling, remembering their deceased parents, siblings, or grandparents at the beginning of the ceremony.  

21. Divorced Parents

Use your best judgment and do what you need to do in every situation, from processional to chuppah to head table, krenzl dance (see #28) etc. For example, three quick questions arise:

1. Are the parents on speaking terms?

2. Have either or both of them remarried or become involved with someone else (and what about their new partners participating?)

3. Who else will be under the chuppah?

There are two main ways to approach the problem. One: have no one stand under the chuppah but the officiant and the couple (and maybe the best man and woman). Second, if you want your parents up there with you, then add in siblings and friends to dilute the mix. Siblings could stand between squabbling divorced parents. I do not recommend including divorced parents' new partners under the chuppah's fringe unless that person is personally meaningful to you, or unless both parents are remarried, and they all get along.

Similar adaptations work for the issue of who walks whom down the aisle. In addition, some brides and grooms escort each other down the aisle without parents.

And after the chuppah? There is the problem of the head table. If you have a long, formal head table you can seat buffer relatives between your parents. A better solution is not to have one long head table. Instead have separate round head tables: one for bride, groom, and wedding party; one for the father and his close friends/family; and one for the mother and her close friends/family.

22. Processional/Recessional'

Anything is OK, from all of you just gathering, to long formal parades. Be sure to have a good rehearsal beforehand. I do not conduct rehearsals--you will do this. It is also good to have one person who is not in the wedding party send each person/couple down the aisle, letting everyone know when it is their turn. Suggested order:

a) rabbi with chuppah holders (if you are not using a freestanding chuppah.) Sometimes if the groom is not coming out with his parents, he comes out with the rabbi.

b) grandparents ushered to their seats

c) ring and flower bearing children

d) wedding party males and females leading up to the ....

e) best male and female (together or maid of honor first)

f) groom, flanked by parents, then ...

g) bride, flanked by parents. Parents kiss their child then enter the chuppah, the groom escorts the bride into the chuppah and the ceremony starts.

In all cases, men on the left, women to the right.

Parents end up under the fringes of the chuppah on the side of their child. Best people stand by the front pole of the chuppah on the appropriate side. Others usually flare out from the front poles, (closest to the congregation) facing the crowd. They can also ring the chuppah around back.

A Recessional order is:

the bride and groom, parents--bride's then groom's, wedding party in reverse order, rabbi, and chuppah.

23. Music

Mendelssohn was a Jewish convert to Christianity, and Wagner is considered a proto-Nazi, so these two composers, whose music everyone recognizes as the standard American processional and recessional music, are in very bad taste at Jewish weddings. Otherwise, the processional and recessional music is up to you.

I highly advise against any music during the ceremony, as it is excruciatingly boring to all involved to stand there doing nothing. Also make sure your processional songs do not last longer than the processional itself, or you'll be standing there just waiting for them to finish.  If you are going to be circling each other under the chuppah following the processional, have the musicians play until the circling is done, making it your first wedding dance.

 24. Circling each other

It has been a custom for all the women of the bride's family to circle the groom one, three, or seven times at the start of the ceremony.[1] This custom is shrouded in antiquity, and its plain meaning seems counter to the Torah's own tradition. Genesis 2:24 says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." This verse seems to imply that if anyone is to circle someone else, the man should circle the woman. But tradition cites half a verse from Jeremiah 31:21 to justify a woman circling a man: "A woman shall go around a man." This is taken from the whole verse, which says, "How long will you delay (to return to Jerusalem from exile) faithless daughter (Jewish people)? For haShem has created a new thing: a woman shall go around a man." This sign is, seemingly, an omen of good national tidings, but its meaning is opaque to the modern reader. And, in any case, it's application here is questionable.

In any case, circling is fun and beautiful to do. The way I explain it, and I admit that I made this up, is that seven times around symbolizes your finding "Sabbath" and completion in each other. Inasmuch as the chuppah resembles a Sukkah (the booth in which the Israelites wandered in the wilderness seeking the promised land), I link the seven circles of completion to the end of your wandering in the wilderness, and your arrival at the promised land of each other's love. Thus this becomes your first wedding dance.

The egalitarian way to do this is for the bride to circle the groom three times to her right; then the groom to circle the bride three times to his right; then, holding hands, to circle once together in the same directions you went before.

 25. How to Stand Under The Chuppah

You can hold hands or put your arms around each other, standing close during the ceremony--you need not stand rigid like two statues on a cake. If one of you wears a tallit, pull it over the should of the other one during the ceremony, and leave your around him/her.

 26. Yichud (Being Alone Together After the Ceremony And Receiving Lines/Table Hopping

Instead of the American custom of jumping straight from the chuppah into the receiving line, the Jewish custom, based on the tradition to let the marriage "set in" privately for a few minutes before going out to greet your guests. Have the caterer leave two plates of food for you to break your fast (see #13) and stay in a lockable isolated private room until you're good and ready to come out. Your guests can be sipping wine and nibbling hors d'oeuvres until you come out. Then, you can either have a receiving line into the meal area, or skip the line and greet your guests by hobnobbing at tables, etc.

 27. Kiddush/Motzi

After the ceremony/yichud, you may wish to lead your guests in a kiddush over champagne. (You could have had only wine served during your yichud). Before eating (you are served/go through the line first) you may wish to lead your guests in motzi. There are four to six feet long challot you can get for this. If you are accustomed to the traditional motzi, the caterers can set up hand washing stations for you (bowls with water, empty bowls, cup, paper or other towels). Be sure to let the caterer know you'll need a slat shaker by the challah in order to salt the challah just after you make the blessing.

After you eat a bite, the caterer cuts and distributes the rest.

28. Jewish Dances

Keitzad Merakdim

(Hebrew for "How do we dance?"). It is traditional to dance around the bride and groom while they are seated, and to clown around while we dance to make them laugh. If you let the band know this, they will help get it going. Let your wedding party also know what you want. Any old freilach (Yiddish style) or hora (Israeli style) music will do for any of these dances.

 Chair Dance

This makes you a king and queen by enthroning you on flying thrones. If you try to hold hands, you will pull the each other off the chair! So hold a cloth napkin or scarf.

Also women can hold up the bride's chair as men do the groom's chair. Make sure your best person and/or the biggest, tallest, strongest person is in the front of the chair, keeping it tipped back. Then you won't fall out!!

Krenzl Dance

If either of you is the last on in your family to be married your parents merit a krenzl (crownlet) dance! The bride and groom put floral wreaths on their heads and seat them in the middle of the room and lead everyone in a dance around them just as everyone danced around you. That make them a king and a queen. If both sets of parents merit this, do them together.  

29. Birkat haMazon/Sheva Berachot

If you are accustomed to praising God after you eat (Birkat haMazon--the blessing after food), you are entitled to add the seven wedding blessing all during the first "honeymonth" of your married life. You end with the borey pri hagafen instead of being with it the way it is done during the chuppah ceremony.

It is also customary to have different friends, or groups of friends, each lead (in English or Hebrew--God understands both) one of the blessings. The wine cup is passed around from blesser to blesser. ONLY YOU TWO DRINK THE WINE. THE BLESSERS JUST GET TO HOLD THE CUP!!

However, after the bride and groom have drunk from the cup, some pass the cup around for others to share in their blessing.

The wine is first poured into one cup from two cups. (Have the caterer set that up on a little tray, preferably with a flower or sprig on the tray). And this one cup is taken around, and finally brought back to you to drink.

It is also customary, if you are staying in town or near friends after the wedding,for friends to continue the wedding partying by inviting you to dinner, and having people who were not at the wedding participate by saying these blessings over the cup.

You can also have 7 or 14 people or couples participate in the wedding ceremony seven blessings. Be sure to write out everything for the readers, including who they follow when reading. Also station them in the order they will read. It is much less confusing that way.

 30. Picnic Dinners

Since you may or may not have the chance to eat your fill at your wedding feast, and, since when you get back home/to the hotel you may be hungry anyway (and why should you have to go out for pizza?) I recommend asking the caterer to pack you generous helpings of the wedding food to take along with you that first night.  

31. Further Reading About Weddings

The best book is The New Jewish Wedding by Anita Diamant. The Complete Book of Jewish Observance by Trepp is also helpful. For those who want the full trteatment of all the most traditional laws and their sources, I recommend Aryeh Kaplan's Made In Heaven.

[1] Circling three times seems to derive from the three mentions of "I will betrothe you to me" in Hosea 2:21-22, which is G0d's engagement speech to Israel, as related by Hosea:

I will betrothe you to me forever;

I will betrothe you to me in righteousness and justice, kindness and mercy;

I will betrothe you to me faithfully,

And you will know haShem.